I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
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My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect