Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
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I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.