My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
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It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.