Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
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[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”