I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
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Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave