*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
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[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
not to brag, but mine was free
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
If only