some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
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“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.