There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
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Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Just grow your own
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands