ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
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Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Awwwww shit.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste