Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
You Might Also Like
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)