good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips