I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
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A Match(.com), but for socks.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”