My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
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Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them