Human are so complicated
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In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.