clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
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Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Oh thanks BBC.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son