Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
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Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.