I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
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Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.