You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
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[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend