Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
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my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her