If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
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why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.