Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
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The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
tinder is all about the long game
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit