every single time
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Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
you will never know the true number of layers
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe