Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
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[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died