[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
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what the
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
*praying for world peace*
God:
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.