People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
You Might Also Like
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
It be like that sometimes 😆
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots