how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
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School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
✌🏽
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
This will never not be funny 😭
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”