Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
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Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
was Jim off killing horses or…
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Chemical wingman
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.