[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
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I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT