Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
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came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?