When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
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MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book