Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
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If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My five year plan is a meteorite
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.