You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
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Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.