Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
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My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.