My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
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Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
HELP 😭
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.