Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
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*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Human are so complicated
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.