Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
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Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours