Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
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Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
i was baptized in a car wash
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.