My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
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WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching