As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
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Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice