Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
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Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.