1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
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Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!