Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
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Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
*limbos away from your hug*
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady