What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
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Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.