if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
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Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
What about a To-Don’t List?