who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
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woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I wish I could veto my bills.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.