[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
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If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Clients after you give them your rates
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana