I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
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Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel