Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
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China are probably making all the medals anyway.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
A choir of Spring onions
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.