If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
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Wednesday
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.