Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
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Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?